Chasing After Child Support

Child support is often a source of contention between divorced parents of minor children. I understand this. I have been there. In an ideal situation, the parent who is responsible for paying child support does so out of love for his or her children.
Unfortunately, many of our post-marital relationships are not ideal. Many parents do not pay child support. Some because they genuinely cannot afford to do so. Others parents simply are not willing to. In the latter case, they resent giving money to their former spouse. Bitterness results. Fighting ensues, and the child support enforcement battles begin.

Every parent knows that the financial resources needed to provide children with all they require and ask for is tremendous. Most single parents cannot afford to give their children all they wish they could. I was no different. When I did not receive the child support that was agreed upon during my divorce, my reaction was quite common. It turned out to be futile, and tragic, at the same time.

I borrowed money from my grandmother, hired an attorney, and went after child support with a vengeance. I had income deduction orders in effect. My former husband was sent to jail twice for failure to obey repeated court orders to pay child support. I was consumed with anger, and I justified my anger by focusing on, and trying to enforce, his responsibilities. However, I could not control his actions. I could not make him fulfill his responsibilities. At the same time, I wasted thousands of borrowed dollars on legal fees that got me nowhere. This issue became a raging source of anguish and hostility between us. What I am about to say may shock you, and yet, I speak from bitter experience. If the parent refuses to do what is required of them, all you can do is focus on fulfilling that need for yourself and your children, on your own.

When a parent refuses to take responsibility for their children, you cannot change them. Yes, it is wrong. Yes, it is not fair. Yes, it is for the children. However, when a parent chooses to do what is right, fair and just for his or her own child, that is solely their choice. No matter how hard you try, you cannot force another person to fulfill their obligations. For when you do, retaliation results in the form of revenge.

In my own case, when I could no longer turn to my grandmother for financial help, and still continued to try to enforce child support payment, the result was that I was sued for custody. The motive was revenge.

I did not have money to hire an attorney to represent me throughout the custody litigation process. As a result, I was railroaded. I unjustly lost primary custody of my children. When this happened, I felt like I lost my soul.

My advise to you as a single parent is to do all you can to maintain open, cordial, civil communication with your former spouse. Be grateful for whatever they contribute. Do not seek to get more, for you risk losing everything.

When you are dependent upon another person for the survival of both yourself and your children, you remain a victim. A victim of dependency. A victim of revolving your time and energy around the other person, when you could use that time to better yourself, and your own finances, for your children.

Is this fair? Taking personal responsibility to fulfill your parental obligations is empowering. It leaves you with a feeling of satisfaction, and pride in watching yourself rise, despite all obstacles. Is it fair that the other parent “get away” with it all? They cannot get away with their own conscience. If they are not giving to their children, they will find their children are not willing to give to them in return when they are grown.

What you sew you shall reap. Give to your children. Do the best you can. Let the other parent “get away” with whatever they choose. In the end, they will find they have lost out on sharing their lives with their children, while you will have your children through your old age.

Hindsight is 20/20 vision. I wasted time, money and energy chasing after child support. As a result, I have bi-weekly visitation rights with the children I gave birth to. Is this fair? No. It is a travesty. I hope to spare you this same injustice and agony. Take whatever your former spouse is willing to give, say thank you, and leave the rest alone.

About the Author

In her nationally praised seminars and workshops, Author, public speaker and columnist Barbara Rose shares the secrets of turning tragedy into triumph. Her books; Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life; and If God Was Like Man (Publication Date April, 2003) share profound, inspiring insight. Please visit her website http://www.borntoinspire.com

What Divorce Parenting Practices is Best Appropriate for Toddlers?
Toddlers, toddlers, toddlers! Very young, seems don't understand what is happening yet their development may be affected by parental divorce. During the first three years of life, children grow quickly and become mobile, learn language, begin to understa.....

Rights and Obligations with Prenuptial Agreement
Prenuptial agreements are like insurance policies. You do the paperwork, and then hope you'll never need it. However, since half of marriages end in divorce within the first seven years, you may want.......

Ten Tips for Winning at Custody
Winning at Custody is one of the most difficult issues parents confront in divorce. In many cases, both parents want custody and are willing to spend whatever it takes to win. Unfortunately, more than any other issue in divorce, to win at custody means....

What 10 Things Divorced Parent Should Do To Promote Positive Child Adjustment?
The effects of recent enlargement in divorce rates are negative effects. Divorced children are more probably to get pregnant as teenagers, drop out of high school, abuse drugs and have aggressively emotional and behavioral problems, which lead to social p....

Attorney Marilyn Gale Vilyus Offers Guidance On Divorce: Should One Get Divorced Or Not?
No one except an individual can determine whether or not a divorce is right for him or her. However, there are some general questions which pretty much apply to everybody. Thinking about the followin.......

"Contested" And "Uncontested Divorce"
A divorce case is contested if the parties cannot agree on every one of the issues involved in their particular situation. Common areas of disagreement include, but are not limited to: grounds for di.......

Chasing After Child Support
Child support is often a source of contention between divorced parents of minor children. I understand this. I have been there. In an ideal situation, the parent who is responsible for paying child support does so out of love for his or her children.
....

Divorce Articles: How To Get The Most From A Divorce Article
There are many types of divorce articles available on the Internet by a variety of authors. What's below will help you get the most out of the divorce articles here on this site and anywhere else. The below information about divorce articles holds true f.....

Sex and New Relationships
Brad was just completing his divorce after having been married for over 25 years. He had not dated in what seemed like forever to him, and had no idea how to start. “How do you start a new relationsh.......

What 3 Greatest Gift You Can Give To Your Children by Co-Parenting?
A successful divorce is one in which the parents divorce each other but do not require the child to divorce one of the parents, either as a result of parental conflict or by one parent not being avai.......

What Divorce Parenting Practices is Best Appropriate for School-Age Children?
It is being said that how bad or how well children go through the divorce depends on how the situation is handled. And believe me when I tell you that there is an appropriate divorce parenting pract.......

Essential Ingredient
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 15, 2003 I have a couple of questions for you. If a person no longer feels they love their spouse, is it time to divorce? Also, do you think a perso.......

Houston Divorce Lawyer Answers Common Questions About Mediation
If you are reading this, then you are probably either thinking of filing for divorce -- or have a feeling that your spouse may be filing for divorce -- whether you want to separate or not.

One of the common questions that an individual going throu....

Too Many Divorces
My oldest boy asked me something the other day about all the news regarding the high divorce rate. I told him there aren't too many divorces, there's too many marriages. Most people get married wit.......

Deciding on Divorce: How to know you are making the right choice
It's a well known fact that in this day and age most marriages end up in divorce. When confronted with the possibility of "throwing a relationship away", you'll probably experience a lot of stress. .......

The Truth About Lawyers
During the matter of my divorce (that's lawyer talk - it's always the matter of this and the matter of that), I spent about $30,000 on three different attorneys in an extremely frustrating effort just to be able to see my own children. As each one faile......

10 Things I Learned About Divorce/Vicki Lansky
Divorce: 10 Things I Learned
by Vicki Lansky

For anyone who hasn't been divorced, trust me, divorce is never what you imagine it to be. Here are a few insights that may save you a trip to court, or at the very least, give you some idea of wha.....

Do You Really Want a Relationship?
With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%, and a fairly sizable percentage of marriages that aren’t particularly blissful, it’s difficult to avoid searching for the answer to the battle of the sexes.

Would you like to stop searching?....

How to Stop Divorce Parental Conflict from Bursting?
It is not the divorce but the conflict arising after divorce the culprit of most psychological-adjustment problems the children are having. So, how to stop the post-divorce parental conflict from bur.......

Marriage Problem; Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?
Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage probl.......

Yoga - The Solution for Insomnia
At one time, or another, all of us have experienced insomnia for any type of reason. There are times when lack of sleep just can’t be helped, such as: the loss a loved one, going through a divorce, .......

Infidelity...Who Cares?
Why should I care if your life is a disaster because your spouse practice infidelity?

So What!

People plaster personal problems all over the net as if to do so a divorce attorney or marriage counselor is going to volunteer free services.

Following Through
Direct Answers - Column for the week of March 24, 2003 My final divorce papers sit in front of me waiting for my signature. In fact, they've been sitting on my desk for five days now. It took me tw.......

Hidden Divorce Costs
Divorce has become part of life in the 21st century. The stigma of being divorced that once existed no loger exists. This does not mean that divorce is an easy decision to make. There are many rea.......

"Surviving Divorce: What To Think About To Ensure Surviving Divorce"
Surviving divorce can be a valid fear if you're contemplating getting a divorce. In order to ensure surviving divorce, you should first understand that your divorce decision shouldn't be taken lightly. Ensuring that you'll be surviving divorce can be c.......

Five Christmas Survival Tips For The Divorced & Single Parent
For the over 50% of marriages that end in divorce, Christmas can be a hugely trying time. Since the season is one of the most stressful times of the year anyway, this onslaught of raw emotion to the.......

Back in the Saddle
The single parents' guide to dating again.

Going through a divorce is hard. Getting back into the dating scene can seem even harder. You have been out of the scene for a while now and are not sure how to get back in. Let alone, back in wi.....

Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior
When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believ.......

Abused Spouses: How Divorce May Affect Your Green Card Chances
The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), passed into law in 1994 and amended in 2001, provides hope for immigrant abuse survivors. Under U.S. immigration law, immigrants may obtain a green card ("U.S. .......

How to Select a Divorce Lawyer
Selecting a divorce lawyer to handle your family law case is a very important decision. The following are a few important criteria to help in finding the right divorce lawyer. Experience and Focus A.......

A Perverse Confidante
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 15, 2002 Dad passed away years ago and Mom lives alone. She is still young and healthy, yet she always plays the victim. I am in my 30s and divorced. Ou.......

How To Go Through Divorce Unscathed
Divorce can be hard. Perhaps, no one knows that better than the two parties involved in the legal coil of separation. Though a divorce is a mutual decision, it is not impossible that one or both part.......

TURN PERSONAL STRUGGLES INTO BOOKS FOR CHILDREN
TURN PERSONAL STRUGGLES INTO BOOKS FOR CHILDREN

by Laura Backes, Publisher, Children's Book Insider, the
Newsletter for Children's Writers

Suppose you've just gone through a divorce and lost custody of
your kids. Or a loved one has .......

Children's Discipline: How To Resolve Divorce Parenting Differences?
Did you know that inconsistency on matters of discipline gives double messages, produces anxiety and can be very confusing to your children? Children need to know where they stand in their behaviors. It is therefore critical for parents to resolve their d....

Choosing your Divorce Method
The biggest mistake that people make when getting divorced is that they fail to plan. They simply decide to leave the relationship and then enter and ugly and expensive battle that ends up hurting e.......

"Divorce Advice: Getting Divorce Advice From the Right Source"
Getting the right type of divorce advice depends on what type of divorce advice you want and what you want to use it for. When looking for advice about divorce, it is smart to clearly define what you.......

"Marriage Problem; Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?"
Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying
to do all you can to make your
marriage work. Depending on how your
marriage was prior to thinking that
you had a marriage problem, you could
be in for a hurtful time .....

A Divorce Glossary
Divorce lawyers and law firms can provide a great deal of divorce information and divorce advice; but sometimes, all that legal jargon can be confusing to say the least, not to mention intimidating. .......

Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When You're Staying Married Only For Your Children
All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending on the characteristics of the children - age, emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the easier or more difficu.......

Divorced Parent: Do You Alienate Your Child from the Other Parent?
I have seen some divorce parents consciously distance their children from the other parent? Such actions may only be justified when there is a genuine concern about the children's emotional or physic.......

Top 5 To Dos Before Saying “I do”
Today, nearly half of all marriages don't last. Everyday I work with couples going through a divorce, many times over preventable conflicts. I’ve learned about what needs to be discussed before making a life-long commitment. If you’re planning to get mar.....

Q: As a result of my divorce, I'm left with more debt than I can handle. Is there an alterna
One of the often-unintended consequences of divorce is the burdensome debt that was formerly handled by two, now to be handled by one. Creditors hold both spouses liable for debt incurred during the marriage. Any agreement between the spouses regarding wh....

Wedding Loans: Perfect Finance Option for a Perfect Wedding
After seeing each other for years and being tagged as ‘in love’ since eternity, you desire to bring this to a logical end. You are wrong if you think I am suggesting a divorce even before you are actually married. The end to every love is wedding -the wed....

Beat the Odds for Divorce
Do you think marriage is a turkey shoot? Are you looking for a guarantee of success? Don’t gamble with your relationship. Follow expert advice to beat the odds for divorce.

Researchers can predict the success or failure of a long-term relationship....

Hire Divorce Lawyer or Use Online Divorce Forms?
When do you need to hire a family law attorney and when is it okay to just use an online divorce form website to save a little money? This article will provide a few pointers to help you decide whet.......

"Reasons You Aren't Starting the Decision Making Process About Whether To Get a Divorce Or S
Along with any tough decision comes reluctance, especially when that decision involves an actual process and might potentially involve emotional pain or anguish. Deciding whether or not to get a divorce or stay married can be a frightening time for most p....

Divorce Lawyer in Houston
The practice of Family Law requires a firm that is familiar with both the complexities of family law and the family courts in which your family law issue will be addressed. Even the best family lawye.......

Midlife Career Change Can Feel Like Getting a Divorce
Most of us are aware that we need to grieve the death of a close friend, relative or favorite pet. We are beginning to learn that other events -- relocation, divorce, illness -- can also be experienced as loss.

Losing a professional-level career ca....

Divorce: Secrets To Coping With A Divorce Announcement
During a wedding ceremony, when people are joined together in matrimony, they swear and vow to honor and respect each other and to remain partners both during good and bad times. But in most marriag.......