Blessings In A Mother's Tears

As a mother, my intuition told me that something just wasn’t right. Most doctors blew off my concerns about my daughter, Deborah. They said the behavior problems were just “terrible twos” or “extra family stress” from my divorce. I knew from the time of my pregnancy that something was different. Even the labor and delivery was unusual. By the age of two Deborah was displaying explosive behavior, head banging, screaming during the night and kicking walls. Her first psychiatric evaluation was at the age of 2 ½ and came back “normal”.

As Deborah got older the behavior continued but was somewhat manageable, with very creative parenting techniques and close monitoring. By third grade she was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated. This helped somewhat but I still sensed that something wasn’t right. A second opinion showed four additional diagnoses of OCD, ODD, depression and anxiety. Additional medication was helpful for the behavior but there were always side effects. School was becoming a challenge. Grades were inconsistent and Deborah continued to show no interest. Things seemed to hold steady for a few years.

Then, August 2000, the situation took a turn for the worst. Deborah, then 14 years old, was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Also known as manic depression, this mental illness is characterized by drastic mood swings. The bipolar, along with the other disorders completely changed my daughter into someone that, at times, I hardly knew. When we were first told of the diagnosis, I was somewhat relieved that there was a reason for the extreme and bizarre behavior we were witnessing. However, my life became an emotional rollercoster.

As a mother, I immediately felt that if I tried hard enough I could “save” my daughter from this awful illness. I figured that if I tried hard enough I could “fix” everything so that her life would be “normal” and she wouldn’t have to suffer. Most of what I was doing had been very good for myself and the rest of my family. However, Deborah was in denial and wouldn’t accept any of the help that I offered her. That was the painful part because as a mother, I wanted to reach out and protect her.

I began a crusade of educating myself, joining parent advocacy groups, going to conferences, reading books, collecting information, networking with other parents, networking with the school, and going to counseling. I immediately went on Family Medical Leave from work and began working a reduced schedule so that I could closely monitor Deborah until she was stabilized. I still feel that all of these things were very positive. However, I tried to push all of this on my daughter and expected her to react positively to my assistance. She didn’t, she felt controlled and smothered and lashed out even more. This was so painful for me because I wanted so desperately to protect her. I slowly realized that Deborah must want to be helped – nothing could be pushed on her.

Deborah was not doing well in school and there were so many options available to help her succeed. Again, she was not receptive to anyone’s help and out- patient counseling was not effective. I was constantly fighting the urge to push my knowledge and ideas on her. Because, after all, “mother knows best”. Instead I tried to be subtle with her – then I would retreat to my bedroom and cry. I struggled between elation – when she was in a good mood, anger - when she wouldn’t speak to me, and hate – when she was swearing at me.

I continued to network and educate myself, remembering to do it for myself and not push it on my daughter. I tried to take care of myself and to not give up my whole life because of this illness. I slowly recognized the positive things about this situation. Like, how it caused me to reprioritize my life and take a stand for what I believed in. I did a lot of soul searching and made some personal decisions that I had been putting off. All of this placed me way outside of my comfort zone and it wasn’t a good feeling. But, like life itself, it’s a process. It’s personal growth.

I actually must thank the Lord for this whole situation because it has helped me in so many ways. Things are so much clearer to me now and my path is much more obvious. I am not the one with the illness but I am going through a personal growth so astounding that I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything in the world. My heart aches for Deborah and each tear I cry represents my love for her. I would like to share my experience with her, make her aware of how I feel and what I’m going through. However, she’s not ready to hear it. I would love to see her go through a similar growth. Maybe she is, in her own way. Or maybe she’ll look back years from now and realize that she gained something from all this. I know my life will be painful for awhile but I will continue to survive. I pray that all the pain will be worth the gain.

© 2001 By Monique Rider

About the Author

Monique Rider is a Life Coach and Personal Trainer. She owns Trinity Coaching Services, a company that offers fitness training and personal growth services to clients worldwide. To learn more about Monique please visit her website: http://home.talkcity.com/workoutpl/trinitycoachingservices/ or email her at: Monique_Rider@msn.com

How to Stop Divorce Parental Conflict from Bursting?
It is not the divorce but the conflict arising after divorce the culprit of most psychological-adjustment problems the children are having. So, how to stop the post-divorce parental conflict from bursting must be given a premium importance by parents who....

"Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When You're Staying Married Only For Your Chil
All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending on the characteristics of the children - age, emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the easier or more difficult it will be for children to weather a divorce.

Top 5 To Dos Before Saying “I do”
Today, nearly half of all marriages don't last. Everyday I work with couples going through a divorce, many times over preventable conflicts. I’ve learned about what needs to be discussed before making a life-long commitment. If you’re planning to get mar.....

Seven Sets of Documents You Need For Your Divorce
This article is designed to give someone who is considering or planning for the possibility of divorce an idea of what documents are needed. Even if you believe your case is ultimately agreed to and.......

Marriage Problem; Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?
Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage probl.......

Selecting a Divorce Attorney
Selecting a divorce attorney is a critical decision making process. The person who you hire will be responsible for obtaining or maintaining your custody rights to your children, your property inter.......

"Divorce Advice: Getting Divorce Advice From the Right Source"
Getting the right type of divorce
advice depends on what type of divorce
advice you want and what you want to
use it for. When looking for advice
about divorce, it is smart to clearly
define what you are seeking the advice
for so you ca....

Blessings In A Mother's Tears
As a mother, my intuition told me that something just wasn’t right. Most doctors blew off my concerns about my daughter, Deborah. They said the behavior problems were just “terrible twos” or “extra family stress” from my divorce. I knew from the time of m....

How to Prevent a Custody Battle After Divorce.
I recently marked the six-year anniversary of my custody battle. I have learned vital lessons that I want to share with all parents.
Divorce yourself emotionally from your former spouse.

Mind your own business. Their life is no longer married....

Ten Tips for Winning at Custody
Winning at Custody is one of the most difficult issues parents confront in divorce. In many cases, both parents want custody and are willing to spend whatever it takes to win. Unfortunately, more than any other issue in divorce, to win at custody means....

Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A Divorce?
Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess th.......

Chasing After Child Support
Child support is often a source of contention between divorced parents of minor children. I understand this. I have been there. In an ideal situation, the parent who is responsible for paying child support does so out of love for his or her children.
....

"Women and Divorce: How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce"
Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who think that their husband will be asking about getting a divorce at some point should put their emotions aside and plan "just in case" their intuiti.......

Ten Easy, Yet Powerful way to get in the spirit to date again after a break-up or time-out
Ten Easy, yet Powerful ways to get in the spirit to date again after a break-up or time-out
Divorce and relationship break-up are devastating to most people. Most have learned that jumping from the frying pan into the fire is not a good thing. However....

How to Reorganize Your Divorce Life for Happiness?
Do your dreams, hopes and ambitions shattered by your own divorce? Do you feel completely worn out of your desire to go on with your life? Do you feel you have no more purpose or inspiration for lif.......

TURN PERSONAL STRUGGLES INTO BOOKS FOR CHILDREN
TURN PERSONAL STRUGGLES INTO BOOKS FOR CHILDREN

by Laura Backes, Publisher, Children's Book Insider, the
Newsletter for Children's Writers

Suppose you've just gone through a divorce and lost custody of
your kids. Or a loved one has .......

What Divorce Parenting Practices is Best Appropriate for Toddlers?
Toddlers, toddlers, toddlers! Very young, seems don't understand what is happening yet their development may be affected by parental divorce. During the first three years of life, children grow quic.......

"Divorce Decision: Things To Consider When Making A Decision About Divorce"
When making a divorce decision, there are quite a few things that you should consider. Too often people find themselves unable to clearly identify what they need to think about when making a divorce .......

What 10 Things Divorced Parent Should Do To Promote Positive Child Adjustment?
The effects of recent enlargement in divorce rates are negative effects. Divorced children are more probably to get pregnant as teenagers, drop out of high school, abuse drugs and have aggressively e.......

Post-Divorce Alimony in Texas
This article provides a brief overview on Texas law concerning post-divorce alimony in Texas. Laws differ from state to state and individual circumstances vary, so you should consult with a qualified family law attorney in your area for specific advice on....

Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior
When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believ.......

Divorce Is Not A Good Idea Right Now
Since September 11th although tempers have flared, depression has increased and sleeplessness has become an unwelcome visitor to many, committed relationships have not faltered and divorce filings have declined. Why is this? Even though people are stresse....

"Marriage Problem; Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?"
Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying
to do all you can to make your
marriage work. Depending on how your
marriage was prior to thinking that
you had a marriage problem, you could
be in for a hurtful time .....

How to Sell Your House by Lease Options
Many people buy a house then have to move within a few years, due to divorce, relocation or financial difficulties. Without any equity though, it can be nearly impossible to find buyers and you still.......

Numbers
Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 19, 2003 I'm currently in the classic older man and younger woman relationship. I'm 50 years old, Nancy is 30, and we are both divorced. I was not lookin.......

Media Underload! The Stress Reducing Psych-Diet
The war, taxes, the economy, increased health problems, crime on the rise, overwhelming divorce rate, corruption in corporate America, and, oh yes, Janet at the Super Bowl! Where does it end? With so.......

The Long Way
Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 4, 2004 I wrote you about four years ago, when my eight year marriage was ending in divorce. At that time you gave me some great advice about beginnin.......

Dating a Divorced Guy
Has this happened to you?

SCENARIO NUMBER 1

Linda was visiting friends in Seattle and they fixed her up with Robert for a date. He suggested they have lunch and then he wanted to show her the tourist district. Of course it was one shop afte....

Deciding on Divorce: How to know you are making the right choice
It's a well known fact that in this day and age most marriages end up in divorce. When confronted with the possibility of "throwing a relationship away", you'll probably experience a lot of stress. .......

Reasons You Aren't Starting the Decision Making Process About Whether To Get a Divorce Or Stay Ma
Along with any tough decision comes reluctance, especially when that decision involves an actual process and might potentially involve emotional pain or anguish. Deciding whether or not to get a divo.......

Sex and New Relationships
Brad was just completing his divorce after having been married for over 25 years. He had not dated in what seemed like forever to him, and had no idea how to start. “How do you start a new relationsh.......

A Perverse Confidante
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 15, 2002 Dad passed away years ago and Mom lives alone. She is still young and healthy, yet she always plays the victim. I am in my 30s and divorced. Ou.......

"Divorce Reasons; What Constitutes A Viable Reason For Thinking About Or Wanting A Divorce?&
According to the Center for Disease
Control's National Vital Statistics
Report of 2002, 50% of first marriages
ended in divorce and 60% of
remarriages end in divorce. But, the
Center for Disease Control also found
that 96% of Americans.....

Beat the Odds for Divorce
Do you think marriage is a turkey shoot? Are you looking for a guarantee of success? Don’t gamble with your relationship. Follow expert advice to beat the odds for divorce.

Researchers can predict the success or failure of a long-term relationship....

Infidelity...Who Cares?
Why should I care if your life is a disaster because your spouse practice infidelity?

So What!

People plaster personal problems all over the net as if to do so a divorce attorney or marriage counselor is going to volunteer free services.

Unleashing the power of knowledge
We all have some sort of knowledge locked in our noggins. Through life’s experiences
such as past and present employment, the adversities we’ve all had evovle during our
lifetimes, such as illnesses, divorces, issue with our children, financial and....

3 Major Divorce Parenting Mistakes And Learn How To Avoid Them
What 3 major divorce parenting mistakes that surely lead to unhappy, unhealthy and unsuccessful children? Parents know these for your children seek. 1. Failure To Act According To Child's Best Inter.......

Midlife Career Change Can Feel Like Getting a Divorce
Most of us are aware that we need to grieve the death of a close friend, relative or favorite pet. We are beginning to learn that other events -- relocation, divorce, illness -- can also be experienced as loss.

Losing a professional-level career ca....

Negotiating a Good Divorce Settlement
Divorce can get complicated with all its legal and financial details and disagreements. It’s no wonder that you are seeking divorce help and divorce support. The most important piece of information t.......

Houston Divorce Lawyer Answers Common Questions About Mediation
If you are reading this, then you are probably either thinking of filing for divorce -- or have a feeling that your spouse may be filing for divorce -- whether you want to separate or not.

One of the common questions that an individual going throu....

How to Decide Whether to Keep Your Marriage or Other Relationship Going or to End It
In their top-selling book "Should You Stay or Should You Go?"
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins offer expert advice
to help you decide how to know WHEN or IF it's time to break up,
leave your relationship or get a divorce.

Emancipation
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 8, 2003 When is it time to divorce a family member? I've been helping my partner manage his father's long-term care. This entails working with his b.......

Parental Hostility: What Will This Bring To Your Children's Life?
One of the most important factors influencing kids' adjustments to their parents' separation or divorce is the level of parental hostility. How bad or how well children go through the divorce depends on how the situation is handled.

To give you c......

Do You Really Want a Relationship?
With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%, and a fairly sizable percentage of marriages that aren’t particularly blissful, it’s difficult to avoid searching for the answer to the battle of the sexes.

Would you like to stop searching?....

Successful Dating and Marriage (1)
Chapter One

“In a high-divorce society, not only are more unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are likely to become unhappy." -- COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA.

.......................................

Divorce Lawyer in Houston
The practice of Family Law requires a firm that is familiar with both the complexities of family law and the family courts in which your family law issue will be addressed. Even the best family lawye.......

Rosen Divorce On-Line Child Support Calculator
Raleigh, NC- Rosen Divorce, the state’s largest divorce firm known for its unique approach to handling marital disputes, recently revamped their on-line child support calculator making it more user-friendly.

The new child support calculator takes....