Attorney Marilyn Gale Vilyus Offers Guidance On Divorce: Should One Get Divorced Or Not?

Attorney Marilyn Gale Vilyus Offers Guidance On Divorce: Should One Get Divorced Or Not?

by: Marilyn Gale Vilyus

No one except an individual can determine whether or not a divorce is right for him or her. However, there are some general questions which pretty much apply to everybody. Thinking about the following issues may help them evaluate whether a divorce is right for themselves.

What specifically is making someone think of divorce?

Physical Abuse

When a spouse is violent to someone and/or their kids, this is a safety issue. No matter what someone may have done, noone deserves to be physically hurt. Spouses may try to justify their actions by casting blame for all marital problems. A marriage requires effort by both persons to make it work.

Ask the following questions:

a. Has your spouse tried to isolate you from your friends and family?

b. Have you had to call the police to stop violence?

c. Have you ever had to go to the hospital as a result of being hurt by your spouse?

d. Does your spouse apologize after hurting you and promise “never to do it again?”

e. Do you try to do everything “right” to keep your spouse from losing his or her temper?

f. Does this work for a little while, only to have the violence eventually start again?

g. Can you feel the pressure building in between violent episodes?

h. Does the smallest thing set off a violent episode?

i. Do you feel that nothing you do is right?

If someone can identify with the above questions, he or she may be a victim of "battered spouse syndrome." This situation, although it can occur with both wives and husbands, usually describes a situation in which a husband is physically abusing his wife.

A great deal of psychological and legal study has been done on this topic. Often, women who have been abused "forgive their husbands" and stay in the abusive situation. It has been found that five times is the average number of times a woman leaves her spouse before she can successfully escape the psychological control an abusive spouse can have over her.

Often, an abused wife alienates her family and friends who get angry when they try to help the woman leave, only to learn that she has returned to her husband and the dangerous situation.

Many think they don't have anywhere to go. Most cities have special shelters for woman and children and will keep a location secret from husbands. Free legal fees are also frequently available.

Help is definitely available. Don’t stay or permit children to stay in a situation which could result in serious injury or even death.

Those who think they may be the abuser in this situation may also find help to stop the pattern of behavior to move forward and enjoy the pleasure of a healthy, happy relationship.

Everyone deserves a second chance at happiness. Everybody can change and learn and grow from our mistakes. Maybe counseling is the answer. Maybe an anger management class would help; or, spiritual guidance from a member of the clergy. Perhaps yoga, meditation or some other form of “alternative” medicine. Reach out and find the help that is available.

The Affair

Most believe that never in a million years could it happen to them. All of sudden, a spouse stays up late or gets up in the middle of the night to use the computer. Chat rooms, e-mails, internet “buddies.” How did that picture get distributed on the internet? (You know, the one you took thinking that it would remain private between you and your spouse.)

Then, there are the old-fashioned, more traditional ways to cheat: the business trip, the co-worker, or the high school reunion hook-up. Let’s not forget the world’s oldest profession.

The question is – does someone leave or stay?

The world is divided into two groups of people - spouses who can forgive an affair by their spouse and move forward – and those who can’t.

Those who fall victim to a wandering spouse should be honest and think about whether they want the marriage to continue. Is there a sincere desire to work things out, or is someone secretly determined to make their spouse’s life a living hell? Maybe they don’t really want this consciously; perhaps they just can’t help themselves.

Maybe personal or spiritual values will keep them from continuing in a marriage in which a spouse has cheated. Or, the opposite could be true - those who feel they are committed to stay in a marriage no matter what.

Being honest about true motives will go a long way towards helping make the right decision.

It's also possible that the marriage has been over for a long time. What would have to happen to save a relationship - talk about what seems to be missing in the marriage? Do the spouses still love each other?

Or, is it just a day late and a dollar short?

Sometimes, a couple has passed the point of no return. Regardless of whether a spouse wants a divorce or not, the State of Texas will not force a couple to live together if one of them wants a divorce. Most of the time, one person leaves the relationship long before the other. A spouse may need some “catch-up” time to get used to this idea.

If this is the case, be prepared for a bumpy ride for awhile. A spouse will probably alternate between being angry, depressed, bargaining, penitent, furious, grieving, victimized, vengeful, retaliatory, depressed again, pathetic, and hostile (and then all over again).

It's possible spouses may not know which of the other spouse’s "multiple personalities" they are going to have to deal with on any given day. One minute, everything is calm and both are talking rationally. The next day, they're living in the seventh circle of hell.

It helps to remember that some of this is purely situational; ie. it is (believe it or not) normal behavior. It isn’t actually about the two individuals – one and a spouse. Instead, it’s about being hurt and feeling betrayed. Both parties feel guilty. Both are suffering. Both feel just plain miserable.

Debt

Those purchases seemed like a good idea at the time. All of a sudden, credit card debt and lots of it (thousands and thousands of dollars worth) moves the question to whether to declare bankruptcy and then get divorced or vice versa.

Some may not want or intend to declare bankruptcy at all. If this is a consideration though, contact a bankruptcy attorney to best consider the options that make the most sense for a personal situation.

Other kinds of financial problems frequently stress a marriage and can bring it to an early conclusion: gambling, excessive drinking, drug use (the costs involved here), spending on step-children or adult children.

Got problems with child support from a previous relationship? (Interest and penalties can cause the most loving spouse to lose his or her sense of humor.)

Money can’t buy happiness. It has been suggested that the people who believe that don’t know where to shop.

Food and shelter are pretty basic needs (Maslow’s Hierarchy – Psychology 101). A spouse who thinks his or her partner is to blame for their financial ruin may just decide to cut their losses and run (very fast).

Debt counseling and debt consolidation could help. Getting out from under steep monthly payments may provide much needed relief, as can re-financing the house or a home equity loan. These solutions will only work if the couple cures the disease and not just the symptoms. A serious change in lifestyle is in order.

Can a couple work this through? Can they afford to split up? Two people can live together cheaper than they can apart - sometimes, a couple literally cannot make it financially living separately.

Conclusion

Those who review these questions may not be any closer to knowing whether or not filing for divorce is the right answer, but may find it helpful when thinking about some of the above in the decision making process.

About The Author

Law Office of Marilyn Gale Vilyus

Attorney/ Mediator

16151 Cairnway Drive Ste. 210

Houston, TX 77084

281-550-6650

http://www.westhoustonattorney.com

Not certified by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization.

This article is designed for general information only. This information is not intended to be legal advice. Consult an attorney for before making any legal decisions based on your individual circumstances.

Dating Tips for Divorced and Widowed Moms
Dating is tough, but it’s tougher for women who are divorced and widowed. Along with the fears of being “out of practice,” there are often children’s feelings to consider. How can a single mother en.......

Following Through
Direct Answers - Column for the week of March 24, 2003 My final divorce papers sit in front of me waiting for my signature. In fact, they've been sitting on my desk for five days now. It took me tw.......

A Brick Wall
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 18, 2003 Two years ago I divorced, and there is still a lot of hostility. My former husband has been served with contempt papers for not paying child .......

Sex and New Relationships
Brad was just completing his divorce after having been married for over 25 years. He had not dated in what seemed like forever to him, and had no idea how to start. “How do you start a new relationsh.......

Divorced Parent: Do You Alienate Your Child from the Other Parent?
I have seen some divorce parents consciously distance their children from the other parent? Such actions may only be justified when there is a genuine concern about the children's emotional or physic.......

Post-Divorce Alimony in Texas
This article provides a brief overview on Texas law concerning post-divorce alimony in Texas. Laws differ from state to state and individual circumstances vary, so you should consult with a qualified family law attorney in your area for specific advice on....

"Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When You're Staying Married Only For Your Chil
All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending on the characteristics of the children - age, emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the easier or more difficult it will be for children to weather a divorce.

Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When You're Staying Married Only For Your Children
All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending on the characteristics of the children - age, emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the easier or more difficu.......

The Secret To Success In Courtship And Marriage, Sex And Happiness. (Part 1)

In a high-divorce society, not only are more unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are likely to become unhappy. -- COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA.
....

Choosing your Divorce Method
The biggest mistake that people make when getting divorced is that they fail to plan. They simply decide to leave the relationship and then enter and ugly and expensive battle that ends up hurting e.......

How To Identify What The Question "Should I get a divorce?" Means To You.
Deciding about whether you should get a divorce or not is an agonizing experience to go through. If you are asking yourself "should I get a divorce?", you've been thinking about your relationship's s.......

Houston Divorce Lawyer Answers Common Questions About Mediation
If you are reading this, then you are probably either thinking of filing for divorce -- or have a feeling that your spouse may be filing for divorce -- whether you want to separate or not.

One of the common questions that an individual going throu....

Buyer's Remorse
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 29, 2002 A few months after my divorce I started seeing a friend of my ex-wife. She told me I really needed a person that would appreciate me. We had a g.......

"Does Your Sexless Marriage Have You Thinking About Divorce?"
If you are in a sexless marriage and are unhappy because of it, don't worry, it isn't unrecoverable but it is serious cause for concern. You may even be thinking that you need a divorce because of yo.......

What Divorce Parenting Practices is Best Appropriate for School-Age Children?
It is being said that how bad or how well children go through the divorce depends on how the situation is handled. And believe me when I tell you that there is an appropriate divorce parenting pract.......

What Parents Should Do For Children To Do Their Best After Divorce?
Why do some children still do best after divorce and separation? Is there divorce parenting approaches that really work? Read and learn the divorce parenting approaches that really work. Going throug.......

Negotiating a Good Divorce Settlement
Divorce can get complicated with all its legal and financial details and disagreements. It’s no wonder that you are seeking divorce help and divorce support. The most important piece of information t.......

"Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A Divorce?"
Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess the situation, courage to try to create a team effort for....

"Contested" And "Uncontested Divorce"
A divorce case is contested if the parties cannot agree on every one of the issues involved in their particular situation. Common areas of disagreement include, but are not limited to: grounds for di.......

"Reasons You Aren't Starting the Decision Making Process About Whether To Get a Divorce Or S
Along with any tough decision comes reluctance, especially when that decision involves an actual process and might potentially involve emotional pain or anguish. Deciding whether or not to get a divorce or stay married can be a frightening time for most p....

How to Keep your Relationships Strong
What is the secret of keeping your relationship going through thick and thin? Divorce was once a problem that was not heard of before many of us were born, and today, you can find some couples that have been married for 50 years or more. But, what is it t....

Rosen Divorce Stresses the Importance of Celebrating Mother’s Day
Raleigh, NC- As the largest divorce firm in the state known for its unique approach to handling marital disputes, Rosen Divorce is always looking for ways to help fix relationships between parents. While many mothers will be celebrating Mother’s Day with....

"Surviving Divorce: What To Think About To Ensure Surviving Divorce"
Surviving divorce can be a valid fear if you're contemplating getting a divorce. In order to ensure surviving divorce, you should first understand that your divorce decision shouldn't be taken lightly. Ensuring that you'll be surviving divorce can be c.......

How to Stop Divorce Parental Conflict from Bursting?
It is not the divorce but the conflict arising after divorce the culprit of most psychological-adjustment problems the children are having. So, how to stop the post-divorce parental conflict from bur.......

Divorce online service. Why should we lose money and time applying for divorce?
It is usually easier to marry than to divorce, especially if the spouses who wish to do so must divide their common property as well.

Divorce is extremely difficult business in rich families. For wealthy Americans in this case, it is accepted that....

Emancipation
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 8, 2003 When is it time to divorce a family member? I've been helping my partner manage his father's long-term care. This entails working with his b.......

Divorce Online Sevice. Why Should We Lose Money And Time Applying For Divorce?
Attempts to use the worldwide Web as an effective means of struggle against bureaucracy are undertaken constantly and sometimes successfully. Today it is possible to fill in a tax declaration, apply .......

Divorce, The Hardest Thing You Have To Do
Divorce. The word itself scares many people. The thought that all that you have worked for within your marriage has failed is enough to wreck lives. But, once your head clears enough to see through the tears and fights, you will need to begin your search....

Living in the Clouds
I have a sister of whom I am very proud. After the kids were grown she found herself divorced after years of unhappy marraige. So she went back to work. She found the job market brutal after all those years as a housewife, but she stuck with it, and got a....

Relationships: Too Easy To Leave
Katheryn and Mathew, both in their 50’s, have been together for two years. Both have been previously married and divorced. When they met, they fell madly in love, which lasted for a few months. Then .......

What 10 Things Divorced Parent Should Do To Promote Positive Child Adjustment?
The effects of recent enlargement in divorce rates are negative effects. Divorced children are more probably to get pregnant as teenagers, drop out of high school, abuse drugs and have aggressively e.......

What Divorce Parenting Practices is Best Appropriate for Preschoolers?
How do you spare your preschoolers for the negative effects of divorce? How do you promote your preschooler's healthy growth and development? The answer is appropriate divorce parenting practices. T.......

Divorce: How To Survive A Divorce And Move On With Your Life
One out of every two marriages in America is failing. American families are crumbling and vanishing. Most families have become dysfunctional, and it is widely becoming fashionable to come from a dy.......

Successful Dating and Marriage (1)
Chapter One

“In a high-divorce society, not only are more unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are likely to become unhappy." -- COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA.

.......................................

How to Grieve a Tragedy
Bad things happen to good people. Have you lost your job or are facing bankruptcy? Has a cherished relationship ended or you have gone through a divorce? Maybe you received diagnosis of a serious hea.......

Divorce--When "Forever" Is Just Too Long

Are you unhappy with your spouse and your marriage? Are you seriously thinking about divorce? No matter how you deal with it, divorce is a messy process. When two people, who have taken a vow to stay together forever, decide that forever is much too....

Reasons You Aren't Starting the Decision Making Process About Whether To Get a Divorce Or Stay Ma
Along with any tough decision comes reluctance, especially when that decision involves an actual process and might potentially involve emotional pain or anguish. Deciding whether or not to get a divo.......

"Women and Divorce: How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce"
Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who think that their husband will be asking about getting a divorce at some point should put their emotions aside and plan "just in case" their intuition is correct that a divorce may be coming in the nea......

Mom's Legacy
Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 13, 2003 I am recently divorced from a destructive narcissist. His infidelity, coupled with a lack of remorse for the havoc caused to our family, was .......

Q: As a result of my divorce, I'm left with more debt than I can handle. Is there an alterna
One of the often-unintended consequences of divorce is the burdensome debt that was formerly handled by two, now to be handled by one. Creditors hold both spouses liable for debt incurred during the marriage. Any agreement between the spouses regarding wh....

Legal Mistakes - Top 10 Women (and Men) Should Avoid
In today’s world and high divorce rate, men and women should be aware of some legal issues to protect not only themselves, but also their children and any assets you may have. I will explain some of .......

Wedding Loans: Perfect Finance Option for a Perfect Wedding
After seeing each other for years and being tagged as ‘in love’ since eternity, you desire to bring this to a logical end. You are wrong if you think I am suggesting a divorce even before you are actually married. The end to every love is wedding -the wed....

Essential Ingredient
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 15, 2003 I have a couple of questions for you. If a person no longer feels they love their spouse, is it time to divorce? Also, do you think a perso.......

3 Major Divorce Parenting Mistakes And Learn How To Avoid Them
What 3 major divorce parenting mistakes that surely lead to unhappy, unhealthy and unsuccessful children? Parents know these for your children seek. 1. Failure To Act According To Child's Best Inter.......

Children and Divorce
You and your spouse have decided to end your marriage. Although this has been a difficult decision for you and your spouse, it can be a very complicated one for your children. Divorce in many ways is like facing a death in the family, and a grieving proce....

Divorce: Coping With The Family Law Process
The Emotions

Divorce is a scary, lonely and misunderstood process for most people, particularly when there are children involved. The mutual friends enjoyed during the marriage may not be of help because those individuals may not want to "pick a s.....

Do You Really Want a Relationship?
With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%, and a fairly sizable percentage of marriages that aren’t particularly blissful, it’s difficult to avoid searching for the answer to the battle of the sexes.

Would you like to stop searching?....

Legal Issues Surrounding Divorce
There are two types of divorce: absolute and limited. Absolute, or “divorce a vinculo matu monii”, is the judicial termination of a marriage based on marital misconduct or other statutory causes afte.......

How to Prevent a Custody Battle After Divorce.
I recently marked the six-year anniversary of my custody battle. I have learned vital lessons that I want to share with all parents.
Divorce yourself emotionally from your former spouse.

Mind your own business. Their life is no longer married....