The Effects Of Divorce On Children
Whilst a divorce is never
a happy time for any of the parties involved, parents know the
importance of thinking about how it will effect their children. It is
important to take a number of factors into consideration at this time;
the age and gender of your child, their relationship to both parents,
their quality of life at home and the support of their friends and
family are just a few. This guide aims to highlight some of the
possible effects divorce can have on children and offer some
suggestions as to how to make everything as painless and un-traumatic
as possible.
There are arguments for both
sides of the debate regarding the age of children going through divorce
and how this factor affects their ability to cope with it. It is
generally believed that the younger the child is, the more likely they
are to handle a divorce well, either due to their inability to
completely understand the situation, or (in cases where the child is
very young) the possibility of them not recalling the situation when
they get older. Whilst a child of 2 or 3 is unlikely to fully grasp the
magnitude of something like a divorce, children of that age are acute
when it comes to the moods and attitudes of the people closest to them,
and can sense something as subtle as a change of energy levels in the
family home. Slightly older children, around the age group of 4 to 7
are often more prone to believing they have somehow caused the breakup
of their parents and will often relate this back to their own bad
behaviour. For example, a child who was recently punished for not
tidying their toys away or hitting a sibling might believe that this is
the reason why their parents are separating (or more specifically, why
one parent is leaving while the other one stays). Symptoms of children
at this stage may include becoming depressed, soiling their bed,
becoming aggressive and distant from others.
Children who are attending
primary school are believed to be the worst effected when it comes to
parents divorcing. At this age, a child is old enough to fully
understand the situation, and also old enough to understand that they
are upset, and may continue to feel upset. They are also old enough to
understand that the situation may not get better (ie; their parents
have separated, and will still be separated in the future). However,
children of this age are generally not old enough to understand how to
cope with divorce, which can lead to both mental anguish and problems
such as the child acting up in retaliation to the new situation.
Children may become aggressive or distant to other children and adults.
They may feel embarrassed at the situation and feel as though all other
children are different to them and that they are the only ones
experiencing this. They may feel angry toward either parent, or feel as
though showing affection to one parent without the other is an act of
almost betrayal. They may feel a sense of divided loyalty to either or
both of their parents.
With teenage children the
effects of a divorce are added into an already tumultuous time in their
lives, which unsurprisingly can cause emotional reactions that are much
more heightened than in younger children. Often when a parent leaves, a
teenage child is required to take over some of the jobs that were
previously dealt with by that parent. For example, a teenage boy may
have to do some of the more physical jobs that his father previously
did; mowing the lawn, cleaning the family car, changing light bulbs
etc. This act of being almost forced into adulthood without a choice
can cause adverse side effects such as aggression, depression and even
resentment at both of the parents. A divorce, however well handled can
make a teenager question their own relationships even before they have
experienced any. For example a teenager who witnessed one or more
difficult divorces from either parent may question the validity of
marriage and assume that their relationships will be almost 'doomed' to
the same fate. Teenagers, like children of any of the age groups are
still able to lay blame on themselves for the divorce, especially if
the acts of the teenager are more sever than those of a young child.
For example a teenager who has been arrested or is continuously getting
into fights may understand the stress that this can put on their family
and blame themselves for the situation. Unlike younger children though,
teenagers are more likely to blame one of the parents more than the
other for the separation, and are old enough to harbour feelings of
resentment long term. This can have adverse effects on the teen's
relationships in the future.
