Child & Divorce

Guidelines For Parents

At times like this, it can be difficult to know where to turn to for advice and help. The following is designed to help give you some guidance and perspective on the divorce situation.

1. Avoid conflict, both during and after a divorce; This may sound obvious, but the most emotionally unstable children following a divorce are those who have had to witness hostility between their parents. Talking down about your ex in front of or around your children is damaging in many ways and must absolutely be avoided at all costs. Contrary to what you may believe, divorced or divorcing couples do not have more to argue about than happy couples, they just tend to not know how to resolve their differences in a healthy manner. Conflict resolution is an important part of raising a family; a family who never argue or fight are rarely doing so because they are perfect, more often than not they are simply covering up their issues in an effort to keep peace, an act which can have catastrophic effects if not dealt with. Children will look to adults for every aspect of learning how to become a grown up, and this includes learning how to deal with each other on an emotional level. If you choose to fight aggressively with your spouse, you can expect your children to do the same. If you teach your children to have less respect for your ex spouse than they do for you, you can expect them to take this with them into later life. If you teach your children to talk openly about why they are angry or unhappy on the other hand, in a calm, respectful and healthy manner, you can expect them to grow up as well balanced, healthy individuals. Just because you and your spouse are no longer together does not mean your children will not look to your relationship for advice.

2. Maintain stability for your child as much as possible; Fact is, when people divorce their ability to run a disciplined and working household can sometimes take a hit. If parents worked as a single unity when they were married, as they ideally should, it can be hard for one parent to adjust to being the only parent disciplining their child or enforcing rules. If you feel as though the person who used to back you up is no longer there it can be difficult to establish and hold on to your control as a parent. Enforce the same rules you enforced before and allow no differences, ensuring that both parents continue to adopt this approach and not just one. If one parent is notable more lenient in their approach to parenting than the other, you can expect your child to play this against the other, stricter parent in an attempt to get what they want. Ensure that your child is aware that they are living with you because that decision has been made and not because you would lose control or die if they weren't there. Do not for a second allow your child to think that threatening you with moving out to live with the other parent is going to make you change the way you run your house or act as a parent.

3. Meet your child's need for attention and affection; During and after a break-up, spend more time with your children without intruding into their normal lives. Talk to them, play with them, be affectionate with them, and encourage them to ask questions whilst being open and forthcoming with the answers. It may sound silly, but don't treat a boy who is experiencing divorce differently to a girl; many people assume that boys are less likely to be emotionally affected at this time or find it harder to talk openly about things that hurt or upset them. Studies have found that contrary to what you may assume, it is boys who find it hardest to cope with parents who divorce, and many experts believe that this lack of open discussion and communication is a major factor behind this. Make more time for your children; you may find that moving out of the marital home and away from the routine of a marriage has allowed your more time. This is great, and you should use it to find things that are enjoyable and fulfilling to do but at the same time use as much of it as possible to be with your children.